Quirkland

Source: Google Images

 

Everyone has their cute little quirks. You know, like needing to sleep on your stomach or pronouncing a word wrong or reading the last chapter of a book first. Maybe you feel the need to wear socks at all times, or shoes, or you correct others’ grammar. (Okay, okay, the grammar thing isn’t cute. I’ll stop lying to myself.) Totally normal, harmless behavior, right? This lasts until about date three or four. That’s when you start to catch a glimpse of the freak flag.

Trouble is, how do you decide which of these traits are harmless and which are, well, freaky?

I think we’ve all experienced that moment when you realize there’s something a little off. It’s inevitable. Unless you’re the most boring, ordinary person on the face of the earth, you have something unique about you. (Unique, of course, being the nicest possible way to state it. Weird would be more accurate.)

This isn’t necessarily bad, though. I mean, Alec Baldwin’s character on 30 Rock is arguably one of the coolest guys, like, ever, and even he had an unusually large collection of cookie jars. Plus, one day someone will think these quirks are cute and you will feel more secure about yourself and the two of you can fly away to magic happy Quirkland^tm together. But until this totally likely event happens, let’s establish a few guidelines for weeding through the freaks and finding somebody acceptable to date in the meantime.

1. The quirk is not actually harmful to you. For example, wearing shoes in the house = not a big deal. (As long as they’re not tracking mud all over your clean floors!) Wearing shoes in the house because they have a contagious fungus = big deal.
2. The level of annoyance is proportionate to the level of happiness you experience around this person. Does the fact that they sing along to literally every song on the radio make you want to punch them in the throat? Or is it only mildly irritating, and greatly outweighed by their angelic voice? 
3. The level of annoyance is proportionate to the level of attractiveness of this person. I mean, let’s just be real. I could put up with a LOT if I were dating Bryan Greenberg. “What, Bryan? You want me to cut your meat for you like your mother used to?” Fine by me. 
4. On a scale of 1 to crazy, the quirk doesn’t go above a solid six. Sure, this will vary from person to person, so decide on your own rules. I mean, for me, toe-sucking or any kind of foot fetish is at least a 15 and unacceptable. But I guess some of you weirdoes ARE those people. (Believe it or not, that is the correct spelling of weirdoes. Oh gosh, now I’m correcting myself.)

I think that’s enough. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good quirk. This is by no means a cease and desist letter. They really make things fun. And I’m definitely not telling you to terminate a relationship the minute one surfaces. I’m just saying, be prepared. Don’t be surprised when you offer him a Listerine strip on the fourth date and he declines because it will ‘burn his cankers.’ (Okay, that one MIGHT be a deal-breaker. Not the cankers, the fact that he brought them up.)

BTW, I bet you’re reading this blog thinking, “I have noticed that about other people.” Well, guess what. You’re a weirdo, too. Remember that time you found yourself standing on your head in that person’s bedroom (in a NON-sexual way, dirty minds), and then you realized that was slightly abnormal behavior? And then you realized it wasn’t the first time that had happened? Yeah…