Texting Protocol

Texting fail. Source: damnyouautocorrect.com

Lately I’ve noticed that so many different styles of texting have emerged that I often have no idea what kind of subliminal messages I’m sending people. This has made me very anxious. I’ve spent several minutes at times debating whether or not to add a period at the end of my sentence because it just seems so final. In my head, a sentence with no period is breezy. And you’ve left room for a potential dialogue. (Whereas a period feels like the equivalent of Hitler slamming his hands down on the table and yelling, “Nein! No more conversation for the Jews!” Is that racist? Oh no, one more thing to worry about.)

…Let’s just bring it back to the question this blog is addressing before anyone gets angry. Is there a correct, uniform style?

I think I need to break this down into people groups.

1.     The Eager Texter: This is the person who sends you five texts immediately in a row instead of using up the extra space we know they had in their first message. They get you excited because you think some mysterious new person has just texted you—until you see their name followed by ‘5 new messages.’ This brave soldier also isn’t afraid to send another text if you haven’t responded in an appropriate amount of time. You know, something cool like “Are you there? Hello?” Oh, the dreaded double text. I think in dating relationships the double text is practically tantamount to saying I love you. Eager Texters are usually either your friends or those with no game.

2.     The Lazy Texter: This person frustratingly can’t seem to text back within less than 3.5 hours. Their lives are SO BUSY that they just barely had time to check their Blackberry after a quick bite at their desk. Who are these corporate execs that I’m friends with?? Either that, or they leave their phone somewhere not on their body and only check it periodically, like it’s email or something. What?!!!! (Okay, okay, I’m guilty of this.) Lazy Texters are likely one of three: 1. People who want to seem cool and stressed, 2. People who are just not that into you, or 3. People who genuinely don’t care about communication and need to get their lives together.

3.     The Abbreviator: This specimen is either longing for AIM to be cool again or has read some handbook on texting featuring all the most-used abbrevs. (See what I did there?) You know, like what parents think we say. “TTFN, BFF! ROFLMAO about those pix.” I think the iPhone has caused a resurgence of Abbreviators because people don’t have that handy T9 anymore. (Okay fine I never figured it out, but people said it was fast!) Autocorrect seems to be lacking at best, judging from the amount of hate sites formed specifically for this cell phone function. The Abbreviator is probably either your dad or some friend who has not yet caught on. No, I don’t want 2 go 2 bch w u. But I would love to go to the beach; it’s a lovely day!

4.     The Wild Card: Who needs consistency, anyway? I can only assume these people are going on weeklong safaris with no cell service, only to return to the States where they become desperate for human interaction and text everyone incessantly. Seriously, either find a plan with no dead zones or lose the phone entirely. I need some stability in my life. The Wild Card may be your ex or an old friend who you sometimes hang out with all the time and sometimes don’t see for a year.

I could go on, but I’d rather just end this right now. None of these styles is appropriate. I hate them all with a passion that burns like hot embers. (Is it sad that when I typed embers, the first thing I thought of was Pokemon? Ember was something, right?) ANYway, if I ran the world this is how it would go down:

Interested male, 5:23 p.m.: “Hey Katie, I had a lot of fun with you last night. We should take that hike this week.”

Katie, 5:30 p.m.: “Hi Evan! Me too. J Oh yeah, I remember you mentioning a trail in Temescal Canyon.”

Evan, 5:35 p.m.: “Exactly. It’s a great hike, really awesome views. You’ll like it. How does Wednesday sound?”

Katie, 5:39 p.m.: “Perfect! Just let me know what time.”

Evan, 5:44 p.m.: “How about I come by your place around 9:30 a.m.? We can get breakfast and head out.”

Katie, 5:46 p.m.: “Sounds great, see you then.”

Note: This conversation took no longer than 30 minutes, because that would be ridiculous. Both parties were upfront and did not beat around the bush. (They used proper grammar!) Evan was a man; he got to the point immediately and established exact details so Katie would not have to worry about vague plans. The time between texts did not get longer, but shorter. Plus, a unique activity was suggested and a meal was added on top of that. He lets her know he will pick her up. This Evan sounds like a classy guy, right? Exactly. And that’s how it should go down. Who run the world? ME.