Reachers and Settlers

Yep, this is happening. Source: Google Images

With the royal wedding fast approaching, many have hierarchy on the brain. Princes and princesses, queens and kings, reachers and settlers.

Reachers and settlers, you say? What does this mean? Well, take Kate and William. Sure, everyone is so interested in their upcoming nuptials, but let’s get to the good stuff. Who has the upper hand in the relationship—i.e., who is the settler? Katie is a good-looking broad (go ahead, chastise me for calling the future princess a broad, but I saw some racy photos on Google Images, just saying), though some (me) would argue she can be plain. Willie is also attractive for a royal, but that bald patch is very real. This might have been a toss-up, but really it’s easy. Perhaps the easiest. William is a PRINCE. He wins. Kate is the reacher.

Now that the words have been defined via British royalty (this blog is international, wow), they must be translated to the likes of the commoners. The question(s) of the hour: Is there a reacher and settler in every dating relationship, and how are they determined?

Take a look at the dating stats, those unspoken rules by which every couple—nay, every pair that dares show their faces together in public—is judged. Looks. Personality. Wealth. Career. Power. The first four categories typically determine the fourth, but external factors can tip the power scale. Hate to beat a dead horse, but JENNIFER. ANISTON. Somehow (multiple breakups, no upper hand, can’t keep a man, this) a beautiful, talented, wealthy, easygoing sun goddess has automatically become the reacher in every dating relationship. Nobody wants to be the Maniston.

So, yes, despite the exceptions (if He’s Just Not That Into You had anything to teach, it’s that there are exceptions. Right? Or was it that there are no exceptions? It was a very mixed message) there are some basic guidelines for establishing the reacher and settler positions.

Real life relationships are on much more level ground, so looks and personality tend to be most important here. Power is established by confidence and beauty, where confidence > beauty. For example, a friend dated a guy she admitted herself was not attractive. However, he established firm casual guidelines for the relationship and pushed her away on several occasions, and when she stayed (sigh, girls always do) she became the reacher.

A married friend, let’s call her “Hubby” (for an apparent lack of anything else to call someone who has become married), is on a fairly equal basis with her husband looks-wise. However, she without a doubt wears the pants in the relationship. Hubs calls the shots and he submits to her. Yes. And so another eagerly accepts the reacher position.

These particular examples suggest that there must be a reacher and settler for a relationship to have any kind of success. Even if the couples are of the same degree of hotness (or notness?), one party typically gives up power in order for the relationship to be effective, thereby establishing their positions. Two settler types would butt heads, and two reachers…well, that’s just sad.

So the next time a couple passes by and the judgment flows as everyone knows it will, play a little reacher/settler bingo. Or (hate to bring this up), next time that special someone takes extra long to text back or writes off that lingering floral scent as their mother’s, don’t take it lying down (really, don’t, that sucks all remaining power from a reacher). With a little disinterest and a lot of self-control, a new settler can arise!

First Encounters

Source: Google Images

Ah, the questions that plague the mind of a twenty-something. Welcome to a world where political debates are spawned exclusively by Trivial Pursuit and long-term goals are next Saturday night’s plans. What really holds the attention of this rare breed is the matters that relate to those infamous birds and bees, the boy meets girl stories (and Boy Meets World stories, for that matter). 

On the docket today is a much-disputed (and yes, ok, shallow) inquiry. The first meeting/date: just how far is too far if you want it to last?

The decision to go far fast is certainly questionable in and of itself. Even those who one-night stand (yes, I made it a verb, deal with it) would agree there are risks. And before the arguments begin, let’s exclude the ignorant portion of the population who refuse to believe that STDs (approximately one in five Americans have an STD, and more than one million people in the U.S. are living with HIV) and unplanned pregnancies (don’t worry, only about half of pregnancies in the U.S. are typically unplanned) aren’t really a big deal.

Okay, stepping off the soap box now. Yes, we’ve all made mistakes that may or may not have included that oh-so-debonair waiter from the Red Lobster. (Really, who can think clearly through the haze of those biscuits anyway? Biscuit goggles. They’re no joke.) The real issue, though, is when a few too many leads to a tryst too quickly with a person you may actually want to see—gasp—again.

The possibility of that person retaining respect, or even interest (let’s be real), for you is probably pretty low. Blah, blah, blah, something about buying a cow and milk is free, whatever. But it appears to be supported by field research.

One unidentified twenty-something male followed the doctrine of been there, done that. As in, well, it’s obvious. He had absolutely no interest after an initial encounter. Another advised that, hey, MEN LIKE THE CHASE, which is a completely new—No. No, it’s not. This haunts the mind of every girl as she considers her texting policy with a new guy. Do I text back right away? Can I text first? Ahh I cringe just thinking about it.

Story time.  A friend, let’s call her “Diet Coke” (as in one delicious sip leads to a bitter aftertaste, amirite?), did indeed have sexual relations with that man, only to realize after four hours of pillow talk that She. Liked. Him. The horror, that DC threw this away over a spring fling flung too far. A casual run-in at a bar a few days later led to a casual lip-lock and exchange of phone numbers, but he didn’t call. Perhaps he will, one day when world peace is achieved and clouds rain down IBC root beer and everyone eats their way through giant fatless chocolate chip cookies instead of working. And they will ride off into the sunset, the princess and the “p” that surfaced too early in her bed but lived happily ever after anyway.

But probably just keep it in your pants until there’s some form of commitment. Just in case.