The Desperate

There are no words. Source: Google Images

Pleeeaase read this blog about desperation. It’s going to be so great, if you only give it a chance. You may think you don’t want to read it, but you’d be wrong. This blog might not be the prettiest blog, but it has a full-time job and a 401k. One day you might even want to marry this blog and have its babies. Just give it a chance! Please!

BET you don’t want to read this blog. Bet you want to tell it to shove it and find a cool blog, one that effortlessly caught your attention. A blasé blog. A blog wearing Ray-Bans and a plaid shirt that perfectly complements its toned biceps.

With that in mind, here’s the question of the week. It’s quite simple. Does desperation ever work?

Well, you’re still reading.

Ha. Okay, the real issues. On first glance, most would be inclined to say no. Very few have fallen prey to the subtle charms of “Hey, it’s me again. It’s 4:33 on Saturday. (p.m. Did I say p.m.?) Anyway, just wanted to say hi and see if you got my last message. That offer still stands tonight if you’re free. Soo yeah, call me back or text me when you get this.” Yes, that just screams casual.

First, let’s clear up a big misunderstanding. Phones now are very advanced. They actually record the time a phone call and voicemail was received. And, when you listen to a voicemail, that lovely robotic voice tells you the exact time it came in. So everyone, stop saying the time of day you call. You just look like a doofus. Yes, a doofus. And it’s just as embarrassing as that word.

ANYway, though desperation will fail 90% of the time, it seems there are two types of people who may give in. (Disclaimer: this only applies to people in their twenties. Desperation and its success increase exponentially with age.)

1. Codependent female looking for love
2. Male of average to poor looks looking for loooove (subtle, yes?)

The KEY to this equation is that both parties are desperate. They may not know it, but they are.

Examples, examples: Cody (short for codependent) is feeling pretty sorry for herself. She was just faded out (one point for readers who recognize the term!) by another guy. Stalker (short for stalker), whom Cody met at a bar two weeks ago after getting a little too friendly with Jack Daniels, just texted her again. She can no longer ignore his siren song. Stalker offers attention, cuddling, and maybe even a meal at Taco Bell.

Now, a look at Stalker. He is of category 2. He is not good-looking, because this type of guy doesn’t resort to desperation to get girls. Girls are desperate for him (sigh). It’s been awhile for Stalker (ahem) and he really enjoyed his debaucherous night with Cody. So much so that when she doesn’t get back to him immediately, he feels it is in his best interest to call and text back repeatedly.

Hint: it’s not. Despite the inevitability of a category 1 or 2 responding to a desperate call like the Bat-Signal, it won’t last. (Batman must have been desperate if Maggie Gyllenhaal was the love interest in The Dark Knight. Really? Jake would have been a better choice.)

As Disney princess/fairy tale as it sounds, there will be someone who can actually reciprocate the feelings of these desperados. (And then they’ll come to their senses, because they’ve been out ridin’ fences for so long now. Ha! Sorry, had to be done.)  Something better is bound to come along. The grass-is-greener generation has been told to reach for the stars, as in Angelina! Zac! Kim! Justin!

So stop. Stop with the excessive calling and texting. Even if someone answers you, you don’t really want them. It won’t end well. And you! Stop answering. Stop perpetuating this cycle. Dig up those old standards out of the attic and dust off the mothballs. Now that Osama has been sent to a watery grave, the next step to world peace is dating people we actually like. (By the way, Ron Paul, there’s your slogan for the next campaign.)