Sext-astrophe!

Sorry you have to see old man chest again. Source: Google Images

If anyone ever wonders why time was spent on this subject, it is because of the idiocy of American congressmen. “Weinergate” cracked wide open today, and as it turns out yet another American representative was LYING…about SEXTING. Please hold your startled gasps. (You’re all much too dramatic.)

Honestly, this topic doesn’t deserve a column. All it really deserves is a swift slap on the wrist by a ruler-wielding Catholic nun. But since it has become pertinent not only to the average bourgeois but to those who are representing us to other countries, I will deign to address it. (If this blog feels like a metaphorical trip to the principal’s office, that’s because it is.)

After multiple scandals have broken loose, from celebs (cough, Blake Lively) to congressmen, it seems fair to ask, does sexting have ANY positive impact on our lives?

Resisting the urge to scream and mustering up as much journalistic objectivity as possible, let’s begin with the texting of pictures (i.e., the déclassé way to sext). Speaking purely from a woman’s perspective (yes, that girl at the beach, the Starbucks cashier, your friend, your sister, your mom, not your grandma…she doesn’t understand), EW. Nobody wants to see that.

This isn’t some weird cooties issue (everyone’s been vaccinated by now, I presume). This is a U-G-L-Y issue. To quote Elaine from the—brief lapse in objectivity—best show of all time, Seinfeld, “…the female body is a...work of art. The male body is utilitarian; it's for gettin' around, like a jeep."

Men, if you don’t believe it, let’s look at some facts. Members of your tribe are being humiliated in both the public (^^^^^^^) and private sectors. 

Remember all that time you spent achieving the perfect MySpace-esque mirror photo, posing seductively, working Axe into your hair to achieve the messy look, oiling yourself up and doing 10 quick push-ups right before because you heard that was a good way to get definition fast? Well, true story, there are girls that have collections of these photos of yours on their smart phone and they sit around with their friends like gaggles of geese ridiculing and critiquing every little detail.

Let’s clear a few things up.

1.       Pictures in the mirror where your cell phone is visible have NEVER EVER been cool. Pretty sure people would prefer to think someone they like is NOT sitting around alone in a darkened room staring at themselves in the mirror with an angry-looking “sexy” straight face.

2.       Middle-aged congressman chest is NOT hot. Dear Internet, no more. Please?

Cool? Cool. For the record ladies, guys are almost certainly showing their friends your pictures because they actually WANT to see them. Keep that in mind (cough, Blake Lively). 

Sure, some girls will reply to these Adonis photos, but only for attention. They are most likely not admiring your, ahem, stature. (All this coughing and clearing my throat, I must be coming down with a cold! Darn post-nasal drip.) And yes, it is obvious that you’re only sending pictures out to get some in return. And perhaps you will, because sexting has become yet another mainstay of this sex-obsessed, throw-morality-to-the-wind culture.

As far as the written word goes, sext (cringe) at your own risk, preferably with someone who is NOT A STRANGER ON CRAIGSLIST (ahem, Chris Lee). At least it’s less easily traced back to you. Of course, you never know, as it seems even some of our very own intelligent congressmen have not yet mastered the intricate art of a Twitter DM. (I mean really.)

In all seriousness, the most important thing to remember is who the publicly humiliating sexting is hurting (besides my eyes). The last couple congressmen had spouses. Serena Blake Lively has Lily a mom who probably isn’t under home arrest for forgery (okay, enough GG). Is the brief payoff worth the risk of hurting loved ones? Weiner-schnitzel’s probably saying no right about now. (Hmm…maybe a hot dog for lunch?)

So girls of America, even though macramé is in this season, let’s resist the urge to photograph ourselves in it with nothing underneath (for you, B J). Congressmen of America, we respect your physical fitness efforts, but finish buttoning up that shirt.

Can we just end this discussion already? It’s stupid and would be inexcusable even in junior high. You can all sit in detention with Dominique Strauss-Kahn and think about what you did.